You know what? I don’t usually care about this. I usually bypass television “talent” (tongue firmly in cheek as I say that) shows and let you all get sucked in and brainwashed into believing that what the public says ACTUALLY makes a difference. But last night I watched BBC’s The Voice to see if it was worth the hype (it wasn’t. Consequentally, I thought the idea itself was a crowd pleaser, but the judges were appalling. Jessie J and Will.I.Am could barely yell over the sound of their own egos [but boy did they try], Irish guy nobody’s heard of made it painfully obvious he only cared about looks by going “damn, I knew I should have buzzed!” when he turned around and saw a good looking awful singer, or looked disappointed when he buzzed someone and they were ugly, and Tom Jones looked like he couldn’t care less about being there and didn’t even know who the hell the other three self-loving over-dramatic idiots were. But I digress.) and decided I’d join the nation in switching over to watch Britain’s Got Talent when it had finished.
Same crap, different year, obviously. Simon Cowell is joined by a man whose sexuality none of us are quite sure of so that they can do some “cheeky” flirting before furiously arguing that they’re both straight. They’ve got a couple of ladies (who aren’t famous for much anymore) for when the sob stories come pouring in and they need somebody to shed a single tear down their shiny cheeks. Unfortunately, the judging line-up not all that hasn’t changed. For yet another year, the nation has been attacked by Su-Bo Disease. And my GOD it is infuriating.
Watching Twitter and Facebook last night, while Jonathan and Charlotte walked onto the stage, was like watching a family of mentally handicapped chimps bang their heads together and finally go full retard. Everybody judged him. And no, I don’t mean that they thought he’d be a terrible singer. I mean they judged him by looking at an overweight and unattractive man and thinking “I hope he’s good. I want to be able to prove I’m not judgmental by supporting somebody I think is ugly”. Don’t you see how hypocritical that is? Of course after he sang, timelines were awash “Simon didn’t see that coming!”, “Thank GOD he’s good!” and “Jonathan to win! Good on him for getting out infront of all of those people and singing like that!”… How patronising, naive, judgmental and narrow-minded were each of those statements?!?!
Let’s address these one by one. Does anybody in the English-speaking world ACTUALLY still believe that Simon Cowell “doesn’t see that coming”? Simon Cowell orchestrates the entire show. There are reports stating that he contacts many people who become the nation’s favourites at least a year before the show, asking them to audition – that he has even personally mentored certain youngsters or people who the public want to see as ‘low in confidence’. Of course, every time somebody comes out of the woodworks saying they’ve received one-on-one Simon Cowell treatment, they quickly retract their statement and receive a large sum of money. But I’m sure those two things are unrelated. In much the same way as X Factor, people can’t fathom that this entire programme is orchestrated and fixed. Judge reactions are choreographed and the public are manipulated into siding with a certain performer. Simon Cowell knew Susan Boyle was going to be good, because the BGT stage was not the first time she was to perform for Simon’s “people”. And that is exactly why Simon Cowell knew Jonathan would be a good singer and made such a show of looking judgmental before the performance – he knows that the nation are easily manipulated and would LOVE to sink their teeth into another Susan Boyle.
“Thank GOD he’s good!”? Really? Because you would look like an absolute dick if you judged somebody purely on their singing ability, and were forced to admit that the fat guy wasn’t really that great. In this overly PC day and age we’re not allowed to like who we want to like. We are conditioned to believe that have to support the underdog or we are bad people. The moment Jonathan (an overweight, pasty, sweaty 17 year old with a haircut deficiency) walked on to the BGT stage, the nation knew that they had no choice but to like him. How he sang was immaterial. Luckily for you lot, he sounded alright. If you’d had your eyes shut when you heard him you wouldn’t have been quite so impressed, but he does have quite a good voice – that combined with how much of an underdog he is means he’s going to get far. I mean, look at SuBo. If she can make it to the live shows, ANYBODY can. And no, before you throw a predictable one over, I couldn’t do any better. But then I don’t put myself on a national television programme claiming I’m a singer worth investing in. If I’d heard one of my friends sing like Jonathan, I’d be impressed. But in the setting of a multi-million pound television programme that only showcases the best of the best? He will be drowned out by the other talents before long. And his poor pal Charlotte could barely be heard next to him as it was – but actually sounded a lot better than anybody is giving her credit for. Of course. Because she’s a reasonably pretty girl. And the public aren’t interested in supporting winners.
Finally, let’s address the issue that everybody thinks he’s such a brave boy for a) getting out on that stage and b) standing up for his friend. I know people with self-esteem issues. I know people who are painfully unconfident. And the frustrating thing is, most of those people have a hell of a lot more ability than they give themselves credit for. Unfortunately, though, when you genuinely have a crippling self-esteem problem (and not just the kind of ‘problem’ that gets you sympathy on a TV show) you can’t bring yourself to get up on stage and showcase your talents. Nobody who genuinely had no self-confidence would get up in front of the nation. Or even that audience. Or even the panel of judges. It just wouldn’t happen. And to project your voice so far? No. Someone with real self-confidence issues, who isn’t using their size to get sympathy and have the public rally behind them, could not stand up on that stage. His little ‘coming in too early’ at the beginning was GENIUS – the nation jumped to his aide and virtually mopped his brow, willing him to go on and show the world that fatties CAN have talent. And what of him standing up for his wee pal with the quiet voice? People stand up for their friends all the time. Is it only commendable if the person is fat? Or is it that we are patronising this gentleman, assuming that he has no back-bone just because he’s fat so giving him far more credit than he actually deserves for doing the exact same thing that hundreds of thousands of people do every single year?
I know what’s going to happen, here. People are far too politically correct to admit when they’re wrong about somebody, so they’re going to fervently defend him to the end. The same thing happened with Su-Bo, and she could barely even sing. Next time you criticise someone for being judgmental, though, just remember how DAMN judgmental and patronising you’re being for forcing your support. You might have even convinced yourself that you really thought he was the best thing you’ve ever heard. But when you look back on this and compare him with other singers, you are going to be genuinely ashamed of just how narrow-minded you have been.
I feel sorry for you all.
Mrs. McChin.
If you missed it, the audition I’m referring to is here.
The McChins 